Yeah, um, an explanation. Well... apart from the fact that my mum is really ill, as if that wasn't enough, other things aren't right as well...

Things are so much easier to handle when you have a plan. The doctors have a plan, so I don't worry too much about my mum anymore. That she gets a new set of side-effects (fever, sore joints, rash) each week is not the point.

Yeah, uh, I was going to explain the other big problem, but I guess I don't really understand how to put it. And I can't help but feel that no matter how I word it it's going to sound like I was stupid to get myself in such a situation and that if I had any sense I wouldn't take this kind of crap, but... fuck that, I AM stupid. And I'm gonna stay that way.

Fine, I'll tell. Devon's love is divided. Yes, there is another. But they're "just friends and it's gonna stay that way" and "she wouldn't dream of splitting us up". Yeah, well... like I wasn't enough? Was it so naive of me to assume I was the only one he loved? Now every time he says I'm beautiful I can't help but think... "well so is she".... and she wants to be friends with me? How can he ask me to be friends with her? Can't he see that it's hard enough just having her around all the time? THIS IS NOT NORMAL! Gawd, if it were anyone else I would say "I don't have to take this kinda shit from anyone" but it's Devon and I love him... 

Why do I feel like it's my fault, like I'm not enough? Maybe if I was a more interesting person then he wouldn't have looked elsewhere...

I don't know what to feel anymore. I'm angry, but I cry too much to look strong...  I've given up on acting like everything's okay, and now lots of people are showing concern. That's nice, even though it changes nothing. I can't tell them what's REALLY wrong because... they'll give me advice that I just can't take... I just can't...

"Maybe if I was a more interesting person then he wouldn't have looked elsewhere..."..... not your fault my dear.

Maybe if he was smarter and realized what he already has.

Sorry youre not feeling well but at least you get to catch the Gold Medal game!

Take care and fell better soon!


Citius, Altius, Fortius, Canuckus!