Yeah, it still hurts. But life goes on. On Thursday I was really hostile, I lashed out at Devon like a wounded animal. I was being such a bitch. Turns out my words really hurt him. So I hopped on the bus and went to his house to repent. He forgives me, but I still feel bad. I guess I just had a bad week or two. The past week was probably my worst to date, I was cutting myself and crying myself to sleep and falling apart even at school...  plus I distance those I need most... During the tough times of my week I would write in this little notebook that I carry around... And it became the following poem:

I'm going nowhere
It's just another bad day
Everyone asking questions
But I just say I'm okay.

And I can't stand this place
Though I once stood here proud
Now the words in my head
Don't match the ones I say out loud.

I say I'm all right
But you know it's a lie
Once I'm alone I'll just
Break down and cry.

And I can't say what's wrong
So I'll say that I'm fine
And the questions will stop
But the hurt stays behind.

But when you're around
It's like morphine in my veins
Quelling my anxieties
And numbing all my pains.

Then my heart is lighter
And I can crack an honest smile
And the day seems so much brighter
'Cause I was with you for a while.

That's why I can't give up
Or succumb to my fears
When I know you'll always be there
To help me dry my tears.

But don't ask me not to cry
That is beyond my control
I'm not thinking straight
I'm hurting and my mind isn't whole.

I think I'm going crazy
I'm not all right in the mind
I press the scissors against my hand
Just to leave the stress behind.

And I know that I've wronged you
I see the hurt in your eye
And I feel that I've been heartless
I want to stop, I know I'll try.

I say I know it won't be easy
But we can't give up the fight
Someday things will get better
And someday you'll see I'm right.

And yet I seldom see the truth
When my mind is in distress
And reason still eludes me
I'll continue nonetheless.

Then my world turns upside down
Was your forever ever real?
And I slice my hand again
To be sure that I still feel.

My words are unforgiving
'Til you say you see my pain
But my words hurt you, I've been so cruel
I'll never cut again.

I know that you forgive me
And the pain will go away
I just wish I could erase
Those awful things I had to say.

I love you more than you can know
You feel the same, and that's enough
I owe it to you now
To laugh and smile when things are tough.


You can kinda tell where my ups and downs were during the writing process... Some downs were general, then there's the bigger blow(s).

Yeah, so I've got it sorted out in my mind that after saying hurtful things like I did, I now owe it to him to try to be happy. I will try my hardest not to let life get me down. This week will be a better one. I'm working on it.

Hello lil vixenette. You are a very gifted poet. You express yourself very well. I wish you the best always. Vixen slobbers... Love, sassy v